[Personal fiction] Seizing up

This one is a little bit more personal than most!

seizing upI am cold and naked and staring everywhere but the mirror. My breath comes in short, uneven gasps as I unravel the bundle of clothing upon my bed. The fear of discovery fades for now;  it is hungry, but patient. It doesn’t bother me – let it wait. I’ve left reality behind.

First the tights, the slow, smooth slide up legs unshaven from lack of effort, encasing my legs in a silky nylon sheath. Next the dress, pricey but worth it for that beautiful collar; the deliberate clicks and zoops of the zipper track send shivers up and down my spine.

Is this real? My mind goes blank for the moment: nothing exists but the gently rustling fabric that settles around me, loose and free and open. Softly shuddering pleasure grips me and I do not resist. I smooth the knee-length skirt out and revel in its forbidden softness beneath my hands; I run my palm along my stockinged legs. In this instant society and its labels are forgotten; the world collapses into sensations and any awareness of the crime I am committing is wiped away. But as always my peace of mind is fleeting – I tug on the socks with their knitted fox pattern and am confronted by the mirror I’ve worked so hard to avoid. The guilt and shame, never absent but lurking in the wings, come abruptly crashing down upon me, causing me to wince as my social conditioning reasserts itself.

I become disgusted by my reflection. The me in the mirror is wrong; the gangly boy staring back is grotesque with his bulging Adam’s apple and dark stubble poking through. Who would ever find him pretty? He is deceiving himself and me with his fantasy, sowing false hope that reality effortlessly refutes. Now I feel dirty and despairing in the dress that I loved so I tear it from my body in shame, flinging it in a crumpled heap in the corner. They’ll be home soon, I know, and I should change and hide the dress away, but I can’t even look at it – at the same time, I’m afraid to look away.

The front door slams shut; I scramble for the closet, and bury me inside.

One thought on “[Personal fiction] Seizing up

  1. Amazing piece, Sam! Love that you have the courage to share this. Hang in there. You are loved by many just for who you are.
    Lauri Davis (your kindergarten teacher)


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